What it means to me

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about just what it means to cheat. I talk about this because as a dialysis patient with a legitimate medical necessity for the constant use of EPO, I find, that the one sided    debate on the subject of this and other "performance enhancing drugs" to be illogical, ignorant, and in the larger historical picture, unsustainable.

Lance Armstrong has been unfairly condemned. History will, in my opinion, show, his and other athletes of our period to be mischaracterized as "cheaters".  What is being achieved by the increase in ones oxygen carrying capacity through the use of hormone, EPO produced naturally in the body by the normally functioning kidneys, and allows for increased vo2 and cardiovascular performance? In, reality, nothing. One who has never run a marathon, or cycled a tour, could possibly achieve anything close to the achievements of one who trains hard, and has the skills to perform these feats of human physical prowess. Just as the act of increase in muscle mass through various steroid or other methods cannot make an average joe into a football or baseball star, real talent, real hard work, and real inherent skills still play the most important role in making greatness happen. One must believe that they are great in order to be great. No amount of special PEDs will or can make that happen.

Many would say that I have in fact missed the whole point of the argument, and the outrage regarding the issue of enhancements in the pursuit of performance. On the contrary, I believe that the current state of affairs regarding this will, over time be shown to be much ado about nothing on the one hand, and an ignorant witch hunt on the other. The real question is not one of unfair advantage, but one of acceptance of human ingenuity towards his or her self expression and improvement. Isn't that in fact the  entire thrust of humankind? To be smarter, to be healthier, to express our limitless potential as we expand our own boundaries and definitions of what we believe we are capable of? In the natural pursuit of finding the limits of our, creation, will we, and certainly have made a multitude of mistakes, but that is our special gift we are given as human. Not just that we are constantly discovering and creating new ways to express and perform ( many species do this), but rather our ability to learn, to self adjust, and reflect on ourselves.

We have always allowed certain "performance enhancers" in sport and in normal life. Just as we have made arbitrary decisions as to what we deem allowable drugs or what not in society. A cup of espresso before a race, a regimen of vitamins, minerals, and supplements ( legal and over the counter at any drugstore) during training, steroids given by a doctor to deal with inflammation, and the many many new cutting edge procedures and substances be discovered and utilized to increase human performance. Is cheating the real issue?

Lance Armstrong received, I am sure, many of the things legitimately, such as blood transfusions, and EPO as a normal parts of the cancer treatments and remedies to those affects. He did, and I do acknowledge that from a strictly medical standpoint he no longer required these treatments once he had overcome his ordeal. However, simply the use of these should in no way diminish the fact he first believed, then worked harder than any other human on the planet to achieve the acts documented in the French Tour de France.   Every athlete at that level is already world class, and on an otherwise equal footing. But equal footing does not mean that all the participants finish the race at the same time, otherwise it wouldn't matter at all. In winning is in itself the inherent fact that one athlete has an advantage over their competitors. What that advantage is can be, and should be, defined more broadly and with more reflection than it is now. A strong cup of coffee with caffeine can give the body an advantage over an equal physical specimen. We have just drawn the line at this time what is unfair or not. But don't do not fault the greatness of the accomplishment. Is it not great that he, and others have shown what can be possible? The inevitable future involves more "enhancements" for the human to perform, and to live healthy longer lives. We just have to catch up with our ideals of what we accept as "real" human achievements will be defined as.

I am, as many of you know, from reading my blog, or knowing me personally, that I am a runner, while also being on kidney dialysis the past eight and half years. Prior to that I received two kidney transplants early in my life. I am not ashamed to say that it is clear to me from the facts that I am easily one of the best athletes on this planet. It is very difficult to admit this, for I feel my ego rearing its terrible head. But it is important to share with others, not only in my physical condition, but others who suffer from one malady or another, physical or emotional, of what is possible. It does not come from simply having my dialysis treatments, my EPO, and the support, family and medical staffs that I am blessed to have around me. It really started when I believed in my unlimited potential to express what I knew I was capable of. Even in the face of what had never been achieved. Eight and half years, two marathons, roughly 10,000 miles of running later. I have to know that it has not been for naught. 

So far so good

It's been over a month now of doing my four hour dialysis regimen and this winter has been the best I've had in 8 years of treatments. Knock on wood so far this winter I have had no sicknesses to speak of.

For the past two months I've been averaging about 30 miles a week running as I have committed myself to train for the GlassCity marathon in April.

Fancy new shoes, four hours of dialysis a day, and feeling good is a magical combination.

I continue to show up every day to do what is required. I will continue to post my weekly mileage and training highs and lows through April.

Sometimes I become greatly ambivalent about my personal situation and just wish that I had more money to buy a nice car. I just watched a documentary about the artist Wayne White where he discussed how difficult it is for an artist to expose himself to the world. To say hey look at me about the most intimate details of your creative life can make one shameful and fill them with self doubt. My intimate life is my creative life to stay alive. I see people dying because they lack the belief that they can survive and thrive in their suffering. It's okay to live like you're already dead.

Don't let doubt insecurity and a lack of knowledge be filled with fear and the inability to believe that you can continue on. Fear will cripple you and fill your life with blackness and sorrow.

Just embarked this week on a new dialysis schedule. After eight years of the same days with the same times, I have asked, and been granted, an additional hour on each one of my three days a week. Whereas I was three hours MWF, I now am doing four hour treatments. It will be a real adjustment, as I discovered yesterday on my first of this new time.  With something so regimented as dialysis, and with eight years of the same thing it was a bit uncomfortable, mentally and physically, doing the new thing. I have been trained to go through the three hour treatment over the years, and realized that even that additional hour with take some time getting used to. I asked for the additional time for my overall health. It has been clear from all the research I have done, and after talking to my doctor, that all patients can benefit from as much time as can be reasonably achieved on the machine (dialysis). Just like having a functioning kidney in ones body perpetually, the machine working more can take the place of more of the lost natural function. With my personal goals and responsibilities, I felt that overall I would benefit from the additional time. Feeling better over time, less infections (perhaps), and less mortality rates (not that I am facing imminent death). So the sacrifices seem worth the discomforts and adjustments.

This last week I also received good new regarding a heart ECHO I had done in response to some mild concerns that my doctor had on my overall heart health. It is not uncommon over time, due to previous or consequent events with the dialysis lifestyle to face cardiovascular problems. Even with my exceptional physical regimen, things can still be off, so the ECHO was done to see what was up. By the way, I have had at least 20 ECHOS over the last eight years and the only abnormalities have been  connected with infection issues, which are common in dialysis patients. So the point of all this was that my heart looks strong and normal. Good news, so knock on wood, I'm having a good couple of months.

Just a test

I'm just testing a new way to enter into my blog. If this works I will be entering more often than I have in the past. The wonders of a mobile phone combined with speaking dictation have made this possible.

I bought an iPhone about five months ago and I'm still discovering layers of the things that I can do with it. We will see if this allows me to dictate more entries as I think of things while on the go.

If you are one reading this thanks for putting up with what is really just a test. I look forward to more entries in the near future.

Back

I am, I believe a naturally vain person. Ironically it is difficult, however, to write about myself in this blog. I have felt for a while that I don't really have much of any importance to share. This perspective has driven me away from any regular postings. My life situation is such that the monotony of it all lures me into a sense of feeling that why would anyone care about it all.

That includes, of course the dialysis schedule. Three times a week for three hours each. The running and other physical fitness parts of my days. I do, and I have had to assure many, that no matter what, I still run six days a week, about 20-25 miles. The taking care of my family, the househusband I have become, and the other odds ad ends that I complete each week. I read quite a bit, recently finishing the novel Cloud Atlas, and beginning the Lincoln, Team of Rivals, book.

My wife has told me and my experiences have shown that this blog does seem to speak to many, who either are going through dialysis and kidney disease, or just the universal angst of life's difficult journey.  I do hope that my experiences and knowledge shared can find some home with others who are interested. Again, though, I emphasize, it is sometimes easier for me to just plow through than to share it all with others.

As of October 27, it has been eight years being on dialysis, and waiting for a transplant. In no way do these time markers depress me, so much as I find myself reviewing the period and saying, where does all the time go? My health, overall, has been steady and good. Little things pop up, emergency room visits, and being tired and worn out from the process are inevitable. I have realized that it all passes and I am where I started again, and again.

In the spirit of the promise I made to my wife, at least once a month I will endeavor to share, at least, my current state of health, both physical and mental. Having writing, even this, while my kitten has continued to force her way on to the keyboard, and my lap, has made me feel OK about writing in this venue again.

I have accepted that there are some nights when I simply will not sleep. I rise from my bed around 3:30 after laying for a couple of hours. Check on an obscure movie trivia thing on the Internet, then put on my shoes and shorts and go outside, where, even at that hour I am greeted with a nearly 80 degree temp, with oppressive humidity. I start out slow, in the middle of the street with a slow shuffling jog. Getting worked up to the breath, the stiff legs ( i ran just several hours earlier) and the mind fighting me saying "why are you not in bed". The moon is hazy and the air is thick with moisture. But the roads are nearly completely clear of any traffic and I can run anywhere on the pavement that looks and feels clear. I'm doing "the square". Each stretch of the four sides is exactly one mile. I move a little faster and the pace picks up, but the second side feels sluggish, for me, probably just the humidity. But also tight from doing two runs in six hour period. I've always kept the mantra through my 14 years running, and especially the last eight on dialysis that the only important thing when running is to not stop. Speed comes when it comes, pain comes and goes, breathing will level off no matter the internal and environmental conditions, form is of little real importance, but to keep moving is key. The run is yours and just yours. I like running the last quarter mile of a run like last night when your body forgets, and your mind lets go of all the variables as you fly to the finish point. The moon has been your guide and the silence is your cover. Sweat is pouring down, and the body electric. I come inside bathe and watch a movie before sleeping.

By request a new entry. I've been told to blog by my wife. I've felt for a long time that nothing new happens. Not in a depressing way, more in an eternal wheel of reoccurence way. Since March, and my last entries my health and status has gone through the same cycles they have gone through at least a couple of dozen times since i started dialysis over seven years ago. Good then sick, hospital, coming back, and now renewed strength (running and biking everyday) and gratefulness. I feel, for me at least, that it has all been said before, and don't feel it is very interesting. But perhaps sharing more than just my little issues regarding my day to day with dialysis, waiting for a transplant, etc to expand to just the regular human things, and interactions with life would be good. If not necessarily a potential audience, but maybe just because I feel like writing it down. So with that in mind...

I love sitting on my patio at the crack of dawn having coffee hearing the first birds of the day, smelling the dewy air, and watching my cats explore their kingdom around the flowers and the grass. To see the life and amazement of it all puts me at peace and excited to be here. So waiting continues to be a good thing.